I’m not a Fan

I was off between Christmas and New Years and it was a lot of sitting around, TV, movies and football. I did go to workout a few days but overall it was boring.

I thought about my three months off and realize I don’t want it to be like this. I did work a little during the week and was so grateful I had a little to do.

So three months. What am I going to do? Yes it will be nicer weather so there will be more options.

What about retirement? That will include all kinds of weather.

I’m not a fan.

I just want to work.

January 4, 2024

Play and Rest

So far Amanda has gone and come back from her restoration time. Kati is on her third month and Annie-Claude just left, Robyn took a month. Robyn didn’t speak before leaving or on returning. Amanda talked to all staff before going and gave a report when she returned. Kati and Annie-Claude both talked before going.

I talked to another staff member and we agreed it feels like we’re expected to talk before and after. Neither of us want to. I want to go into it without expectations and I want to return not having to report anything. Reporting makes it feel like we’re expected to have a result, an awakening, epiphany or something. If I go into it knowing or feeling like I’m expected to have a result, I will work at making it happen. I don’t want that to be what this time is. I want to not work at manufacturing anything or watching, working… I don’t know. I’m going to talk to Anna about it.

My theme is going to be Play and Rest.

September 14, 2023

Jesus help me

So, I’m a planner and I like control, also a perfectionist. I want to plan this restoration time. Control it. Do it perfectly.

Maybe what God wants for me is to relax – no plans – no control – be OK with what it is, whatever it is. Maybe I just get up each day and spend time with Jesus and go with whatever. Some days I might get direction from Jesus, other days I won’t.

Stay in the moment, live each day as it comes. Be OK with what it is.

Can I do that?

Jesus help me.

Musings

So, I’ve been getting warmed up to this plan. I’m looking forward to it. BUT…I find myself planning things to keep me busy. Bill at the beginning said I should take a two week vacation and I just might. We talked about a week together in Ely because we never get that alone time. DC vacation? Perhaps I go a few days ahead? Ely week with Bill? Retreat cabin by Alexandria, alone Sunday to Friday? Maybe the retreat cabin a second time Friday to Sunday? Ely with family, Joyce Meyer women’s convention? Day trips! Buffalo, Stillwater, Duluth? Biking, hiking, bowling, movies…!

Maybe because I have these plans it doesn’t seem so bad. Maybe I should have no plans?

June 27, 2023

Restoration Plan

Restoration Plan is what they’re calling it, it’s like a sabbatical. Up to three months off with pay. I should be ecstatic! When I worked for the City I would’ve jumped at this. Now…I don’t know…I feel scared. It took my breath away. My thoughts are all over the place.

What will I do? I’ll be bored. I don’t have any friends. Who will I talk to other than Bill? I won’t be needed. I won’t be productive and being productive gives me worth and value (my identity). They’ll find out they don’t need me. They won’t let me go because too many or no one can replace me. Can’t I just not do it? A two week solo vacation is intriguing (Bill offered). Handing off work feels scary–it’s mine. I don’t want to lose it. What if I don’t get it back? Are they going to do my tasks right when I’m gone? I feel clutchy–it’s mine. I don’t want to let it go.

All this is running through my head. I don’t want to take it but I know I’m supposed to. God wants to be with me. He has things to do with me. Maybe He’ll show me what retirement will be like. I had six months off during COVID and I feel like we just got back and I don’t need a break or a rest, I’m fine. Yet, the more I think I don’t need it, the more I know I do.

What a gift! Three months with pay. I don’t have to earn it, I’m not worthy of it, I don’t deserve it, but yet I’m being offered this. It’s beautiful. It’s one of the ways God shows me love. I’ve signed up for August, September and October 2024.

It’s coming fast.

I’ll keep you posted 🙂

April 19, 2023

Psalm

God, you are my God and I will praise You until my last breath. You hold and sustain the universe and everything in it. You give life! You are love. You’ve created far more than we will ever know. We don’t have telescopes that can see that far, deep and wide. And yet, You know me, not just my name, but me and You love me. You know my mistakes, my dark places, and my heart.

You have a call and a purpose for each one of us. Forgive me for not living to the fullest that You’ve created me to be. Show me, give me fresh eyes and clarity; the boldness to step out, trusting that You will be with me.

I know I don’t believe that I am who You say I am or can do what you say I can do. Increase my faith God, increase my love for You, my husband, my family and for Your people.

I want nothing less than all You have for me, teach me how to receive it, to believe I can carry it and give it away.

“Promise You’ll keep on speaking to me,
And I will listen to You solely,
So the only words that fall from my lips are Yours.
Promise You’ll warm my face with Your glow
and I will breathe You into my soul.
So I can be more like You in these remaining days”

 

With This Ring

My Mom died almost 9 years ago. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times it feels like just yesterday. Among the things she left was her wedding band. It’s just a thin, gold band; nothing special. It was broken because we cut it off her finger one day when she smashed it in the door. I took it to the jeweler and had it fixed and sized for me and I’ve worn it every day since. 

My niece’s oldest son, Cam is engaged to be married and he had a special bond with my mom; his Great-Grandma. Cam gave his fiancé Angelina a fire opal for their engagement ring. Shortly after they got engaged, it occurred to me her ring wasn’t part of a wedding set so they would need a wedding ring. I thought Mom’s ring would be perfect to go with Angelina’s fire opal. My intention had always been to pass Mom’s ring down to someone in the family and this would be the perfect opportunity. 

I texted Cam and asked if he’d like to give to Angelina and he was ecstatic! Yes! He was so excited, he said Angelina would be very happy because she knew how much Cam’s Grandma meant to him. So, it was decided that Mom’s wedding ring would become their wedding ring. I was filled with joy, it was an honor to do this on behalf of my Mom, I knew she’d want this and if she were here, she’d do the same thing. It felt wonderful to be able to bless Cam and Angelina and it felt really right.

About a week or so later the sadness came. I realized I don’t want to give Mom’s ring up. I always intended to pass it on, but I thought I’d do it in my will or right before I died. I’m not ready to give it up now. I started not wearing it because I didn’t want to lose it and I thought if I quit wearing it now, I’d get used to the fact that soon it won’t belong to me. It didn’t help, I was just as sad and miserable. I realize God asked me to do this and I’m being obedient, but it was much easier when I felt joy about it.

I spent time journaling and asked God what was going on. He showed me it’s very special to me because it’s a symbol of my Mom and Dad’s love. Mom said “I do” to Dad with this ring and Dad said “I do” to Mom. With it, they pledged their lives to each other. It’s a symbol of that bond, their love, their relationship. Mom wore this ring for 50+ years, it’s the most sentimental thing she owned; the only material thing she really cared about. My Mom wasn’t attached to material things but this ring, I think she was. I think of it as a piece of her heart…. her soul. Now, I’m letting it go. I’m sad. I’m miserable. Why would God ask me to do something like this? I know it’s not because He wants me to be miserable. He loves me. Is it because He wants to see if I’ll be obedient when it’s hard? Or because He knows that joy, the feeling of blessing others will return? Maybe He knows I’ll be blessed by being in a position where I’m able to act on Mom’s behalf? I don’t know but I know it’ll reveal itself after I do it; or maybe it won’t.

God wants me to go one step at a time and trust Him; have faith that He knows what’s good for me. He knows the big picture. When I obey, after I obey, after I carry it through; then He reveals the purpose… or not. Sometimes I don’t get to know or see what the purpose of things are. Maybe in Heaven all things will be revealed. In the meantime, it’s one step at a time. Walking by faith, not by sight.

Faces of Love

Today my husband Bill needed help. He’s a wedding photographer and he was 15 minutes away from the venue to meet the bride and groom and he realized he had all of his equipment except for his camera bag. Pretty important for the task of the day. I was on the phone with him when he realized it and he thought he had to come back home and get it and that would make him very late. I immediately said, I’ll put on my shoes and meet you half way; I was out the door in less than 5 minutes. Well, I realized his schedule and told him forget meeting me half way, I’d bring it to the venue and he should continue and get there on time.

I had purchased a ticket to a movie that was to start at 11:30 and it was 11:00 when we were having this conversation. He had to meet his clients and the photographer who was going to help him at 11:15. He was concerned about me missing the movie. I was not.

He’s my husband. If I valued a movie more than him that would be very wrong. The only response that came to me was to help him the best way I could and deliver what he needed to the venue and let him be on time; not do something half way or not at all. In my mind there really wasn’t a choice to be made. It’s a privilege to help him when and if I can. He comes before everything in my life; except for God.

Bill was incredibly thankful that I would come all the way to the venue and help him. I loved it; because he’s not taking things for granted, he didn’t expect or require or demand that I help him. He was grateful. But to me; I wouldn’t have done it any other way. I was honored to be able to do it for him and I would have felt horrible if I he didn’t accept my offer to help or if I would’ve chosen something above him.

Love who you have in your life with everything you have because time is short, and love has a lot of faces to it and serving each other, helping in time of need; that’s one of the faces of love.